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Free drinks taste so much better.

This can be true of anything free actually. When you don’t have to pay for something you always enjoy it more. I think I heard the best nod of agreement to this notion in a bar once when I overheard a woman say: “Beer always tastes better when it’s someone elses…especially when that someone is an ex who never fully stimulated you” Although it made me spit my drink out across the table, she did have a point. Everyone always says “oh but when you work and save to buy something it feels so much better”. Lies. If I go on a Topshop spree and someone else is footing the bill it would make me sublimely happy and gleeful about the fact that my money is still in the bank. This again goes back to the theme that runs through all my posts…How much better my life would be If I was a Kardashian. In this case I would get more free stuff.

50 Shades of Grey is the worst book of all time.

I know this is quite controversial and that there are like a billion horny housewives/single mothers who would disagree with me, however I don’t care because I literally hate it. My main issue with it is actually that I can’t finish the damn thing. People have told me that they can’t put the book down. I can’t STOP putting it down. Everytime I try to read a few pages because I desperately want it all to be over, I have to slam it shut in disgust. It’s taking over my life and permanently staring at me from my bedside table oozing pheromones and lies. How can one girl have that many orgasms and not have died!? To be honest there have been various triggers for me to give up after a page but last night the book hit an all time low. Christian Grey pulled out Ana’s tampon. I don’t think I need to say anymore really.

Aint no pardy like a hot tub pardy

I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time taps aff in hot tubs this Summer. Considering I live in the North of Scotland and we are yet to have any sun this is a bit strange. I won’t question it though. If someone has a hot tub and says you can go in you don’t question it you just take off your clothes and swan dive. I don’t know what it is about a hot tub that makes people go so crazy. Girls who would never normally rock about in their underwear are doing mental hot tub crowd surfing moves, and boys are just sitting there thinking they are P-diddy and poppin’ bottles like a G6. If I could only go to parties where hot tubs are available I would, but seeing as i’m not a Kardashian (don’t get me started on that injustice) that’s probably not going to be an option for me. People are happy in a hot tub and I truly believe noone has ever had an argument in a hot tub. The world would just genuinely be a better place if they came as standard with every house. 100% I should be Prime Minister.

Andy Murray is in the Wimbledon Final

This is great news for Britain as it’s the first time we’ve had a male in the final for 75 years or something! This is bad news for banter though..because Murray has none. The fact that i’m blogging about this doesn’t mean i’m a sports fan, it’s just an observation of what’s happening this weekend. When it comes to watching sport, I find the best way to get by without looking like a total idiot is just to know something (anything) about all the upcoming major sporting events. Here are the following things about sport I have decided are important:

1. In Tennis you can choose who you want to support by who is the best looking and noone will judge you because noone likes Andy Murray. I choose Nadal because he has the biggest arms.

2. With Euro 2012 you could literally pick a country and support it because Scotland didn’t get in. I personally think this was a bit mean but whatever. I chose Italy because I like pizza and i’ve read enough magazines to know the name of a player…Balotelli. This has worked out really well for me because they almost won so I 100% ended up looking like I knew about football.

3. The golf open this year is in Castle Stuart. It was a fantastic stroke of luck that I overheard my brother and dad talking about it one evening. I even managed to purposefully bring it up at a work dinner so I looked incredibly knowledgeable. The conversation did then move to golf for an extended period of time though, so if you’re going to drop this in conversation i’d wait until dessert comes, otherwise you might not have had enough wine to find it really funny when people talk about losing their balls.

4. The olympics is in London. That is literally all you need to know. Noone cares who is competing, we just care about medals. Well maybe that’s just me, but  i’m a girl who likes accessories.

5 games to play when you’re bored that are even better when you’re drunk.

1. Pick up a Dog and play “here’s what it feels like to be human sized” they love it. It must be a dog though. Cats will purposefully pretend to hate it even if they don’t because they are mean and like to make their owners feel guilty and inadequate. Maybe don’t do this one if you’re drunk…I tried to do it with our huge black lab once and nearly broke my back.

2. Close your eyes and walk around. This is called “What it’s like to be Stevie Wonder” This is one of the best to play drunk because just closing your eyes and walking forward is really funny when you’re in a shape (it’s true…try it) If you put a Stevie album on in the background it’s more realistic.

3. Go into your flatmates/mum’s/dad’s/sibling’s/partner’s wardrobe and dress like them. This is called “This is you” Only do this when you’re drunk. When you’re sober it’s not funny.

4. Take your top off. This is called “TAPS AFF” This is entertaining at any time.

5. “There’s your boyfriend” Everyone knows this game and now and again I have seen it backfire and actually be someones boyfriend/dad. For some reason though just pointing at the beaut coming towards you who is shouting obscentities and wearing a scotland flag as trousers, and saying “Why aren’t you talking to your boyfriend?” can produce a thousand lols. Note this also works with girlfriend/mum/brother/sister.

It’s T in the Park this weekend.

I’m not really sure how I feel about the fact that i’m not going. Having spent Rockness staying in a luxury lodge complete with hot-tub and power showers, I kind of feel like there’s no going back. How could I camp after that? I’d end up getting absolutely mortaled and climbing peoples tent poles (oh hello!) looking for the mezzanine floor, then going for a splash about in the puddles in my bikini thinking I was Big Pimpin Jacuzzi Livin’. I do wish I was going to TITP but i’m not, so i’m just going to have to deal. Tbh whether I go or not I still wouldn’t end up watching the specific act I wanted to see the most. Every year, without fail me and my partner in crime (who shall not be named for legal reasons) end up missing the biggest and best act in favour of doing our own shows for eachother in the campsite. This has included a rousing whole-album performance of Biffy with camp chairs being thrown about as testament to how rock and roll we are, Disney’s greatest hits, and the full score of Les Miserables. I’m not even going to name the acts we’ve missed in favour of these activities, because we’ve always sworn on eachothers lives that we would never tell anyone. We both know that people would judge and that we’d never live it down, because let’s be honest, if someone told you they missed seeing your favourite band live in favour of performing as Jean Valjean in a fake campsite showing of Les Mis you’d think they were effing twats, and hey, i’m not going to pretend that’s not exactly what we are.

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